For the bereaved
Death and grief go hand in hand. Grief is not something that you get over. It is something that you get through.
The death of a loved one is the beginning of one of the most painful times of your life. Grief is a natural and normal way to deal with that death. When you lose someone you love, you lose a friend, a piece of you, someone with whom you had shared experiences. As well, you lose the possibility of future memories and experiences with them. You may feel sadness, loneliness, physical discomfort, guilt, isolation and other disquieting feelings. You may feel like you have lost your footing, your compass. These feelings are strong and chaotic. Confusion and doubt can take over your thoughts and anger can overwhelm you for what seems like no good reason. You may have trouble sleeping and feel incapacitated by your loss. These reactions can be difficult to accept and deal with, but it helps to remember that they are a normal part of the grieving process. You must allow yourself to go process permission to accept your loss and feel and accept the pain. You can then give yourself permission to heal. While you will never get over your loss, you can learn to live with it and carry on with your life.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves differently. Grief is a process that takes a lot of time, energy and determination. You must work through the pain. You will be affected by this loss for the rest of your life, but as time goes by, you will feel the pain lessen. There will be times though, when it seems as if this healing will never happen. Things may seem to be getting better, then something will happen to trigger a memory and you will find yourself back where you started. The grief process usually takes a lot longer than most people realize (for many people a year or more, depending on the nature of the loss and the nature of the relationship). It takes time and should not be hurried. How long it takes depends on you and your situation. A person has to live through all the special days in a year without the loved one's presence's, and with each event the grief may reawaken the grief. Birthday, Christmas and the anniversary of the death can be especially difficult times.
Often, it may seem as if this healing will never happen. Eventually, an acceptance occurs and you are able to live again. After awhile, you will more easily be able to reflect back on your loved ones life and celebrate the special moments you spent together.
While nothing cures the pain, some things help a little.
Here are a few ways to help yourself cope during this time and help heal the wound of your loss:
- Reach out to family and friends. Ask for their help and support. Caring, supportive friends can help ease the grief and often make all the difference in the
world. Try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. The hurt feelings will surface and be released, and eventually will shrink.
- Support groups are another source of help. Being with those who have been through the same pain and loss can often make a difference. Support groups act as a forum for sharing practical difficulties and resources. They may provide general support and friendship.
- Tap into community grief resources, both online and in person. Even the smallest communities provide various grief resources. In addition, the following people can help guide you through the grieving process: hospital social workers, clergy, hospice workers, funeral directors, nurses, doctors and bereavement counselors.
- Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control.
- Avoid making major decisions - your judgment may be off and changes could increase your stress levels. The temptation to make major life-changing decisions, following a loss is one that many people face. Just stay the course and avoid creating additional changes unless absolutely necessary.
- Return to work. This may be hard at first, but usually provides a good change from the reality of the loss. Keep moving. If you stop, everything stops with you. You have living family as well as those who have died. It may seem impossible, but the sooner you can return to some semblance of work (even at reduced hours), the sooner you can start to focus on healing.
- Go where you are afraid to go. There may be a number of places that will remind you of your loved one. The natural tendency will be to avoid them. If you do this, you will only perpetuate the negative feelings you have when thinking about these places. Visiting the places you are afraid of may hurt at first; but each visit will make it easier to handle.
- Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly and avoid problems in the future. There is no rush. There is a tendency to feel that grief needs to be rushed. This is particularly the case for people who are usually in control of their feelings and dislike feeling that their routine is disrupted.
- Be patient with yourself. There is no quick fix for the wound of bereavement. Day by day, do what you need to in order to cope and manage. Friends may unrealistically expect a mourner to get over the loss quickly. Grief recovery takes much longer than most people assume.
- Get moderate physical exercise. Jog, bike, swim or roller blade. Go for long walks. Walking is a simple, effective exercise that allows the body to release tension. Walks are good for the mind as well, you can think or simply tune out and enjoy the surroundings. This will keep you in good physical shape while easing depression and anxiety.
- Keep a journal, for many people, writing seems to help in the grieving process. It brings up memories and rekindles feelings. Write simply for the sake of getting your thoughts and feelings out of your system. Let whatever is on your mind flow onto the paper. Unburden yourself. The process is beneficial. Bringing the pain up, although unpleasant, is part of working through it.
- Consider writing a letter. At some point in the healing process it might be helpful to write to the person who has died. This is a chance to say what was left unsaid.
- Pray.
- Cultivate an appreciation for solitude. Find ways of being alone that bring you some satisfaction and peace of mind. Some suggestions: gardening, painting or listening to music. All of these can gently coax you out of a blue mood or a sad day.
- Read. Information is empowering and liberating, You will be greatly inspired and informed by reading how others have overcome their own painful losses to death.
- Eat Healthy. Although it may be difficult to eat, do your best to maintain adequate nutritional balance. Consume plenty of fruits and vegetables while cutting back on high-fat foods.
- Drink more water. Avoid beverages with caffeine, such as coffee and soda.
- Remember the things for which you can be thankful. No matter what has happened to you, there still are many things for which you can be thankful. Give thanks every day. Identify areas of your life that are still good and enriching such as friends, family, meaningful employment, health, warm memories, etc.
- Tap into your will power. Tell yourself that you will overcome and you will get though this.
- Find safe places to express your rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion. You will have all of those emotions, with great intensity. It will be difficult to express them in an "appropriate" way and it is best to find a safe, private place to express your emotions.
- Provide safe places for other family members to express their rage, fear, pain, hurt, rejection and confusion. Protect those you love. Turn towards those you love, rather than away.
- Be careful about becoming bitter.
- Let your tears flow. This method of relief is nature's safety valve, If you repress grief too much, serious emotional maladjustment may result.
- Learn about the grief process. Bereavement releases a host of confusing and conflicting feelings. Often the journey through grief is like an emotional roller coaster. While all this is normal, many people are frightened by their emotions and suspect they may be going crazy. Accept the turmoil. Normal, healthy grief is chaotic and complicated. You do not have to like the turmoil, but it is helpful to give yourself permission to experience it. Grief is an emotional journey in which you move from one condition of life to another. This journey takes time.
- Give yourself breaks from grief. Distract yourself regularly. Although bereavement can feel all consuming, make the decision to give yourself periods of relief from grief. Block off an hour or two to do something that will distract you from your grief, such as going to a movie, walking through a mall with a friend, or inviting someone to join you for lunch or dinner at a restaurant. Spending a lot of time focusing on your loss will not speed up the healing process. In fact, grief can become overwhelming without a break from it. Thoughts and feelings about the loved one can permeate all aspects of the day. Therefore, it is good to let yourself focus on something completely different for a block of time each day.
- Plan for special days. Christmas, birthdays, wedding anniversaries and other special days will reawaken the grief, making you think that you have slid backwards. However, you are experiencing a normal "anniversary reaction" to your loss. Give advance thought as to the best ways of celebrating these days. Consult with family members and make your decision together.
- Take on a new challenge. As you begin to adjust without your loved one, consider taking on a new challenge. Take up a new hobby or sport. Go back to college. Do something that will expand your horizons. This will help you focus on who you are becoming rather than who you have been.
- Help someone else. One of the most effective ways of taking the edge off grief is to reach out and help another person. Offer the gift of time and service. All kinds of civic and religious organizations need volunteers. You can do this as a way of honoring your deceased loved one. It will also help you feel better about your life.
- Remember to keep in touch with your doctor. If you are having sleeping problems, your doctor may prescribe sleeping tablets or may refer you to a therapist if you feel the need for more help to cope with a loss.
- Be alert to grief's danger signals. While most people grieve in healthy ways, some people become caught up in unhealthy grief. Here are some signs of that grief has become unhealthy:
- Poor self-care such as excessive weight gain or loss
- Withdrawal and isolation from family and friends
- Unrelenting depression that does not ease up
- Frequent suicidal thoughts
- Alcohol and/or drug abuse
If you are experiencing a combination of these symptoms, seek professional help immediately
The information on this site is not intended to be used as a substitute for obtaining medical advice or seeking treatment from a qualified physician or therapist.
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